The Hurt Grenade

What do we do when our little one tosses us a hurt grenade and we have to deal with the shrapnel? 

As parents we are constantly wrestling with the appropriate consequences - the right punishment for the crime. Solutions are as varied as the families who dole them out. Spanking, time-outs, loss of privileges, natural consequences and all the others you love to hate. Regardless of your stance on consequences they are a part of parenting.  A means to an end. A teachable moment. A catalyst for arguments. A line in the sand. 

But how do we deliver consequences for a crime that a child doesn't fully understand they have committed? Hurt feelings. A broken heart. Worse than any stolen toy or errant slap, hurt feelings cut to the core. Especially when the person on the receiving end is you. The first time your little darling slings you an "I hate you" or "I wish I had a different Mommy", you feel like you might die. Maybe it is something more specific, regardless, it  cuts to your heart and leaves you breathless like getting the wind knocked out of you. 

So there you are, upset and broken at the hands of the one you love most.  Only your own child can cut that deep. But no matter how old they are they will NOT understand it - not until they have children of their own. And we don't have time to wait around for that life lesson to come full circle.

How do we deal with this one? If you look into the eyes of your child and see that in that moment, they meant to dig deep and say something to hurt you. Our first instinct is probably that it is our fault. We created this darling little monster who carefully constructed a hurtful thought and threw it at us, waited for it to explode and watched. Did I teach him to do that? Probably not, it is human nature. So can we please cut ourselves some slack and get back to the consequences.  Because "go to your room," doesn't seem to cut it. 

What is the natural consequence for hurt feelings? Can we teach empathy? I know there are a lot of articles and studies that point to the development of empathy, I will let you google that if you want. It takes a while to develop. Fine. But we are the ones who have to develop it - to form it, we are the nurture half of the nature. What to do?

I say let the hurt sit there. Linger. Stink up the place. Marinate in those feelings together. 

Why can't we let them see us hurt?  Why do we go to the other room to cry and then come back when it is over. Perhaps they should just see our raw feelings. What are we protecting them from? The consequences of their actions. Ah, I guess that's it. I am not saying to turn the whole day into a pity party for Mommy and how her feelings got hurt.  But a simple "I'm sorry" followed by a knee-jerk "it's ok." won't do either. So let them see us hurt. I think that might be our most powerful tool. The first time I tried this it was hard for me, but it was surprisingly effective. We say "you have hurt Mommy's feelings" all too often, but do they ever really see it. Or do they just see us get mad?   

We can't stop our children from hurting people's feelings - as much as we would like to. But we will keep trying.  A loosing battle but one we will fight to the end. We must continue that good fight but stand ready for that shrapnel on the battlefield. The 'after'. Maybe marinating isn't the best advice, but it is food for thought. We will each figure it out for ourselves.  

So today when my darling son hit me square in the face with a whopper of a hurt grenade I saw the Moose. The Moose was there all along. Only your child can make you hurt so bad. So deeply. It is only because we love them so much, so all-consumingly that they can hurt us so deeply. How grateful we should be to know that love. How lucky we are to have that love.

Mighty Moose you are a cruel beast.


PS - While writing this I was reminded of my favorite hands-on empathy activity. Crumpled Paper. If you haven't tried it, don't be surprised if your child did at school.
It is fantastic. http://edgalaxy.com/journal/2011/11/23/great-bullying-analogy-for-students.html

Painted Sea

www.PaintedSea.etsy.com

Inspired Art for Joyful Spaceskkk