The Hurt Grenade

What do we do when our little one tosses us a hurt grenade and we have to deal with the shrapnel? 

As parents we are constantly wrestling with the appropriate consequences - the right punishment for the crime. Solutions are as varied as the families who dole them out. Spanking, time-outs, loss of privileges, natural consequences and all the others you love to hate. Regardless of your stance on consequences they are a part of parenting.  A means to an end. A teachable moment. A catalyst for arguments. A line in the sand. 

But how do we deliver consequences for a crime that a child doesn't fully understand they have committed? Hurt feelings. A broken heart. Worse than any stolen toy or errant slap, hurt feelings cut to the core. Especially when the person on the receiving end is you. The first time your little darling slings you an "I hate you" or "I wish I had a different Mommy", you feel like you might die. Maybe it is something more specific, regardless, it  cuts to your heart and leaves you breathless like getting the wind knocked out of you. 

So there you are, upset and broken at the hands of the one you love most.  Only your own child can cut that deep. But no matter how old they are they will NOT understand it - not until they have children of their own. And we don't have time to wait around for that life lesson to come full circle.

How do we deal with this one? If you look into the eyes of your child and see that in that moment, they meant to dig deep and say something to hurt you. Our first instinct is probably that it is our fault. We created this darling little monster who carefully constructed a hurtful thought and threw it at us, waited for it to explode and watched. Did I teach him to do that? Probably not, it is human nature. So can we please cut ourselves some slack and get back to the consequences.  Because "go to your room," doesn't seem to cut it. 

What is the natural consequence for hurt feelings? Can we teach empathy? I know there are a lot of articles and studies that point to the development of empathy, I will let you google that if you want. It takes a while to develop. Fine. But we are the ones who have to develop it - to form it, we are the nurture half of the nature. What to do?

I say let the hurt sit there. Linger. Stink up the place. Marinate in those feelings together. 

Why can't we let them see us hurt?  Why do we go to the other room to cry and then come back when it is over. Perhaps they should just see our raw feelings. What are we protecting them from? The consequences of their actions. Ah, I guess that's it. I am not saying to turn the whole day into a pity party for Mommy and how her feelings got hurt.  But a simple "I'm sorry" followed by a knee-jerk "it's ok." won't do either. So let them see us hurt. I think that might be our most powerful tool. The first time I tried this it was hard for me, but it was surprisingly effective. We say "you have hurt Mommy's feelings" all too often, but do they ever really see it. Or do they just see us get mad?   

We can't stop our children from hurting people's feelings - as much as we would like to. But we will keep trying.  A loosing battle but one we will fight to the end. We must continue that good fight but stand ready for that shrapnel on the battlefield. The 'after'. Maybe marinating isn't the best advice, but it is food for thought. We will each figure it out for ourselves.  

So today when my darling son hit me square in the face with a whopper of a hurt grenade I saw the Moose. The Moose was there all along. Only your child can make you hurt so bad. So deeply. It is only because we love them so much, so all-consumingly that they can hurt us so deeply. How grateful we should be to know that love. How lucky we are to have that love.

Mighty Moose you are a cruel beast.


PS - While writing this I was reminded of my favorite hands-on empathy activity. Crumpled Paper. If you haven't tried it, don't be surprised if your child did at school.
It is fantastic. http://edgalaxy.com/journal/2011/11/23/great-bullying-analogy-for-students.html

Painted Sea

www.PaintedSea.etsy.com

Inspired Art for Joyful Spaceskkk

The Backyard Moose

Relax
It's not a big deal
Get over it
Let it go

I hate those sayings. A lot. If I could do those things on command, I sure would. I know you are trying to help. But you can stop saying that stuff now. Really. I am stressed, anxious and a worrier by nature (perhaps genetics). You? The kind and well-intentioned advice from strangers isn't what will make me feel better. Sorry.

But now, as I approach an age milestone (not you can't ask) I think I just might be getting there.

A while back a friend told me to adopt a mantra to say when I was stressed or upset. I tried few and thought they worked. But they didn't. I wasn't until one REALLY did that I got it.

My new mantra is "The Moose in the Backyard." A year or so ago I remembered the Moose. Then a mantra actually sprouted organically and achieved its goal. It caused me to shift my thinking, improved my outlook on life and chilled me out. A bit.

Before I loose you, let me get to the point. About 15 years ago I worked as in a professional setting. I was part of a team of pretty remarkable executives. There was one woman who really stood out. I didn't work with her often but she amazed me. Poised and well-humored even in the face of foolishness and crisis. The shining example of a what a woman in power should embody. I wish I worked with her more or even thought to ask. I worked there about 5 years. And made some life-long friends. Unfortunately this particular woman I knew I would never see again. I was surprised when I went into her office to say to goodbye. I think she gave me a card and had some words of wisdom I should have remembered. But instead it was her story about a Moose that would pop into my head years later and gift me a bit of a brain jolt.

She had a house in Maine and we worked in Massachusetts. She had a dog, maybe dogs. One morning she was trying to leave Maine for Massachusetts to get to work and was in a hurry. She went into the backyard to call in her dog and the dog wasn't listening. She said she got a bit frustrated and continued to call her dogs. After a few frustrating moments she finally went out into the backyard to get the dogs. They weren't coming and their gazed was fixed. They weren't paying her any attention and she was getting mad. The dogs weren't listening because there was a Moose... THERE WAS A MOOSE IN THE BACKYARD. This woman who I held in the highest regard for her poise and patience had got frustrated. she had lost her cool because her dogs weren't listening. She was so intent that she missed.. a MOOSE.. in her BACKYARD! She didn't even see it.

How many things have I missed?

I didn't get it then. I was young. But now I do. Serously, if you don't stop and look around you will miss the really BIG things because they are often so simple, small, quiet and fighting for attention. I need to STOP... pay attention to what matters. The biggest things in life are right there in front of you. There could be a Moose in the Backyard. Maybe I needed to have kids to really see the Moose. Or to be a wife. I know my Moose may be the rose you are stopping to smell. I am not saying I have just invented some new way of looking at life - this is just MY new way of looking at life.

My Moose in the backyard.

As a Mom, this is beyond prophectic. So many examples, like when my son was little and incesantly said "Mommy, Mommy, Mommy, MOMMY!!" I was pretty sure I was one "Mommy" away from true insanity. So, I snapped "WHAT!" because I busy doing something (cleaning, talking, emailing).. tears filled his eyes... and he said "I wuv you Mommy." OUCH - Moose... BIG, FAT MOOSE.

So now I pay attention ...er, I TRY to pay attention to all the Moose in my life. I need to find the time stop and see them. Whereever they are.

Just yesterday I was reading a book and my boys were happily playing in the yard. No, really. They were quiet and having fun. So I let them be. Wouldn't you? One of those golden Mommy moments. No one needed me, no one was arguing, I didn't HAVE TO... be doing anything. But if I hadn't looked up... I would have missed this.. a frog... in the backyard. Literally. So I stopped. Watched. Savored and enjoyed. And even RELAXED. My son was transfixed and totally content to follow a frog all around the yard.

Now I start. Here is my spot to find the Moose in my life. If you want to look for them too... Come back and read on.